For many people, grief is treated like a problem to solve.
There is often an unspoken expectation that after a funeral, after a few weeks, or after enough time passes, people are supposed to “move on.” But according to author Leanne Friesen, that mindset can make grieving even harder.
As part of Mental Health Week, Friesen — author of Grieving Room: Making Space for All the Hard Things After Death and Loss— spoke about the importance of allowing grief to exist instead of trying to rush through it.
Friesen’s perspective comes from deeply personal experience.
Years ago, she lost her sister Roxanne to cancer while serving as a full-time pastor and caregiver for others.
Having spent years officiating funerals and supporting grieving families, she believed she might be better prepared than most people to handle loss.
Instead, she said grief “knocked me off my feet.”
That experience became the foundation for her book, which encourages people not only to make space for their own grief, but also to better support the grieving people around them.
Friesen says modern culture often treats painful emotions as something that should be solved as quickly as possible.
That mindset, she says, creates unrealistic expectations for both grieving individuals and the people supporting them.
She says one of the most difficult realities for grieving people is feeling like they are somehow grieving “wrong” — either because their grief lasts longer than expected, or they got over it too quickly.
One of the major themes Friesen discusses is the way society tends to create an unofficial hierarchy around grief.
The loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child is often publicly recognized and supported.
Other forms of loss, however, may be minimized — even when they are deeply painful.
She points to what psychologists call “disenfranchised grief,” where people feel they are not “allowed” to grieve because others do not view the loss as significant enough.
She says people often try to compare grief experiences, but every relationship — and every loss — is different.
But grief does not follow a straight line.
Some days feel manageable. Others can feel overwhelming without warning.
She encourages people to stop judging their emotions and instead allow themselves to feel whatever comes.
You can hear the full interview below:
Written by Matt LeBlanc
